Dear Baby Sister

Dear Haley,

Today you got your drivers license and I am not going to lie, I have been shitting bricks every time I think about it worried about this day for a long time. I was so happy that you were a total slacker and didn’t get your driving permit on time, because it meant you actually wouldn’t start driving until today, even though you turned 16 back in April. And I was also thrilled that Mom was cheap and didn’t pay for you to go to drivers ed because I had high hopes that you would fail your drivers test. I say all of this because I love you and because I fear for everyone else on the road.

But somehow you passed. I don’t know if Granny gave you money to bribe whoever passed you or if you sold all your Lady Gaga posters on Ebay to get the money…but either way Congrats. I really mean it. Ok, maybe not. I know this makes me sound like an old lady, but seriously you are growing up WAY too fast! That 8 year age gap seems to grow smaller and smaller each year…or I am just growing older and not wanting to acknowledge it….either way.

So I want to tell you 16 things that I wish I had known between the ages of 16 and 21. A lot happens in those 5 years and since I didn’t have an older sister to tell me these things, I had to learn them the hard way. I promise you want to learn them the easy way. Just, for once, listen to your sister.

1. Stay Weird. Most people say that you spend all of your middle school years trying to find yourself. I however think everyone spends that time trying to fit in. But over the next 5 years is when you will really start to figure out who you want to be in life.

2. If genetics work like I think they do, you are destined to do stupid stuff. Try to stop yourself. Try really hard.

3. Do not use Sun In in your hair. Seriously, don’t. It’s a horrible idea. Also do not get a perm no matter how much the stylist convinces you that you will have beautiful loose curls. You will come out of that place looking like Mom did in the 80’s.

4. Boys that wear as much eyeliner as you do, play for the other team. However, gay men are much more fun to be around than straight men so ask him to show you how he gets his eyeliner so perfect.

5. If you’re worried about someone not liking you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.

6. And while we are on that note, don’t say anything behind someone’s back you wouldn’t say to their face.

7. Stop worrying what everyone thinks. No one’s looking at you. People are by nature self-centered so guess what? They’re all thinking everyone’s looking at them too.

8. Family is the most important thing in this world. They are the only ones who will have your best interest at heart every time.

9. Leave something to the imagination. When you dress, show off only one aspect. Show off your legs and cover the top. Or vice versa.

10. Boys are stupid. They don’t have a clue until they are at least 25. This is why you will need good girl friends.

11. Don’t rush into sex. Penises are gross and you only get to do it once despite what those idiot “born again virgins” on tv say.

12. Dump The Boy. (-from Abby)  While you may not be dating anyone seriously now, remember one thing when you are. Respect. If he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t deserve you.

13. Don’t sneak out of the house. Mom has eyes in the back of her head and Dad wakes up at the oddest hours. You will be at college in 2 years, whatever you wanted to do will be just as fun then.

14. Money will always be a problem. How to get it. How to get more. And how to spend it. So start a savings account for when things go bad. If you put away just $10 every day, at the end of the year you will have $3500 for when your car breaks down or your roommate skips out on rent.

15. The world is much bigger then you realize now and things that you think are the end of the world, really are nothing to worry about. (-from Abby)

16. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you are happy. If you are happy, everything else will fall into place.

Oh and one last thing. You know that little iPhone you love? It’s in my name. Which means that I can log in at anytime and look and see exactly when you sent a text message. So if I find out you are texting and driving I will disable your phone. :-)

I love you,